Bereavement Archives - Memories Box ../index.html Helping Young Minds Manage Bereavement Mon, 11 Sep 2023 12:25:53 +0000 en-GB hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=6.7.1 ../../../wp-content/uploads/Logo-Icon-100x100.png Bereavement Archives - Memories Box ../index.html 32 32 What is a Memory Box? ../../../blog/what-is-a-memory-box/index.html ../../../blog/what-is-a-memory-box/index.html#respond Tue, 01 Feb 2022 20:55:51 +0000 https://memoriesbox.co.uk/?p=19 What is a memory box? The death of a loved one can be one of the hardest experiences that human…

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What is a memory box?

The death of a loved one can be one of the hardest experiences that human beings can suffer.

You might feel like you’ll never recover from the heartbreak, but you will. You’ll go through the stages of grief, and eventually will find joy again. Finding coping strategies becomes part of the grieving process.

A memory box can also called a keepsake box. It is any type of container where a grieving person can keep mementos safely inside. These may remind you of the person who is ill, who has died, or remind them of happier times.

All types of items can be kept inside including letters, photos, books, jewellery and clothing.

A memory box can be a helpful coping tool to help work through grief. Yours will be extremely personal to you and your experience.

If you have suffered the loss of a pet you may decide to create one. You may want to keep items inside that remind you of your pet.

If your parents have separated and you don’t get to see one of them often you can create one to remind you of them.

Special occasions like births, special birthdays or marriages can all have mementos to keep safe.

You may find one helpful for a person suffering from dementia. Items inside can ignite old memories.

There are many reason that people decide to keep a memory box. If you are looking for supplies to create your own, they can be found here;

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For ideas of memory boxes that can support children, please see here;

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Child Bereavement UK supports children who are grieving;

https://www.childbereavementuk.org/

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What Do I Put in a Memory Box? ../../../blog/what-do-i-put-in-a-memory-box/index.html ../../../blog/what-do-i-put-in-a-memory-box/index.html#respond Tue, 01 Feb 2022 20:53:33 +0000 https://memoriesbox.co.uk/?p=212 What do I put in my memory box? When a person is preparing for or has suffered a bereavement, a…

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What do I put in my memory box?

When a person is preparing for or has suffered a bereavement, a Memory Box can be useful tool to help with the grieving process.

There are no rules as to what goes inside, it really is up to each individual.

If you have already experienced the loss of a person you may choose to keep photographs, letters, jewellery or piece of their clothing.

The box in the picture has a suggestion of some of the items that can go into a box. This one includes a journal that the Dad wrote about his life in, along with a photograph of Dad and Daughter together.

Using a memory box with someone who is terminally ill can be a great opportunity to share stories, perhaps painting hands and printing them on the outside?

These boxes help memories to come flooding back into hearts and minds each time it is opened and can offer great comfort as part of the healing process.

These can also be used after the loss of pet. You may want to keep their collar, lead, favourite toy, or photos inside.

For children, objects can help remind them of loved ones, of happy times spent together. Memories that are so important when we are missing someone.

Boxes can be plain or decorated with paints to give them that personal touch.

They are also a thoughtful gift if you are looking to support a child but cannot be with them.

Create your own box using supplies that are available here;

../../../wordpress/product-category/create-your-own/index.html

Or if you would like one with contents included, please look at the ranges we have here;

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Dear Dad journal available here;

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Further support is available from many charitable organisations, such as;

https://www.childbereavementuk.org/

.

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How to Support a Bereaved Child? ../../../blog/how-to-support-a-bereaved-child/index.html ../../../blog/how-to-support-a-bereaved-child/index.html#respond Tue, 18 Jan 2022 19:06:57 +0000 https://memoriesbox.co.uk/?p=215 There are many answers to “how to support a bereaved child”. If you find yourself in the position where you…

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There are many answers to “how to support a bereaved child”.

If you find yourself in the position where you are supporting a grieving child, it is important to remember that each child is unique and their experience will be unique to them.

Some of the most commonly used techniques that you may find helpful;

  • Give clear, honest and age appropriate information it gives clarity and offers trust between adult and child.
  • The child may need reassuring that they are not to blame. That any feelings that they may have are OK and normal.
  • Allow the child time to talk about what has happened. Let them know that any questions can be asked
  • Regular routines that the child is familiar with can be comforting to a child who is experiencing changes in other areas.
  • Children need clarity, to know that the important adults in their life are there for them.

As with adults, one of the most compassionate ways that you can help is to listen. Give the child time to grieve in their own way.

If you need further advice on how to support a bereaved child, there are many organisations available.

There are many professionals and charity organisations who help children who are struggling to cope with grief. The Good Grief Trust is one of many;

https://www.thegoodgrieftrust.org/

It is vital that we support children in the right way. Grief that hasn’t been recognised can cause issues throughout life.

There are some beautiful books available that can hep to open up a gentle conversation about life and loss;

../../../wordpress/product-category/books/index.html

Work through a Memories Box with your child. Some that are available;

../../../wordpress/product-category/memories-box/index.html

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Coping with Pet Loss ../../../blog/pet-loss/index.html ../../../blog/pet-loss/index.html#respond Sun, 02 Jan 2022 06:07:22 +0000 https://memoriesbox.co.uk/?p=505 It is becoming more widely accepted that pet loss can create the same bereavement emotions, with the same process of coping…

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It is becoming more widely accepted that pet loss can create the same bereavement emotions, with the same process of coping and healing that we go through as that of when a human dies.

My story

Laying beside to me is my dog. My best friend and confidant. She is around 10 now, we rescued her soon after my Dad died. At the time she had an approximate age of 12 months.. 
Through the years she has been my constant, my comfort, my friend and companion.. This morning she listened as I explained about ‘lockdowns’ and we have to stay home to keep safe. As she looked at me with ears pricked forward, looking into my eyes, I knew she understood.

In the past 6 months the signs of her aging have started to become clear. The slower pace that she walks, the plodding of paws if we go too far. The greying of hair around her face and the sleeping, much more sleeping.
We know we are living on borrowed time and that when the inevitable day arrives, the grief will hit me like a steam roller..
I will feel all of the emotions that one does with grief, whether it be a family member, friend, pet or end of a relationship. The anger, the uncertainty of if I did all that I could, the tears, the heartache, the loss.. These pains and feelings will be real and raw.

If this is you

For those experiencing this or if you know someone who is and are trying to give support, you may find the following helpful.

Of course people can be heartless or perhaps just don’t understand. They may say ‘it’s just a dog’. Only said by those who have never loved or cared for a pet or felt that real connection.
Any animal that has been loved by a human can leave an emptiness when they die.
​Grief of a pet can be a lonely experience as not everyone will understand the pain that you feel.
Coping with pet loss is real.

The loss of a pet can affect physical as well as mental health. You may find that you have problems eating or sleeping, or find it hard to carry out everyday tasks. If your pet was a work colleague, service animal or home support, it may be that you lose your independence, your protection, your guide and emotional support.

Maybe there will be regret, as to having the pet in the first instance. For any caring pet owner there will be heartache and a sense of loss.
Decisions can be hard. To know how and when to make the decision to euthanize a pet can also be traumatic. Is it the right time, am I doing the right thing? Is the vet right? Will I be judged? Is my pet in pain? Will it hurt? How will I cope? Where can it be done? Can I trust the professionals? 

This can go on for some time if a pet is poorly but managing. How can we answer these questions? We can’t, not all of them, not really. There is no black and white, no rule book.  Sometimes, tough decisions have to be made. We can beat ourselves up for many years after. All we can do is what feels right after listening to advice and assessing the individual situation at the time.

Understanding

From the loss of a pet it is possible that the owner will feel that life is no longer worth living. They may find they no longer have a reason to get up in the morning, a reason to go out of the house. They may become lonely and depressed, with suggestions of a replacement causing anger and resentment.
The death could be a sudden shock, an unknown cause, a fatal accident or a dreaded decision to ‘do what’s right’. Feelings of regret, disbelief entwined with the question why?


It may be that there is another pet at home who is also mourning the loss, and has a change of behaviour. There could be a child who needs to have the death explained in a way not to ignite fear.

In this time it is important to work though the grieving process. Emotions may not come in any particular order but the possibility of feeling denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance are all very real and perfectly normal. People are different to one another and therefore handle things differently.   

What next?

We can choose to have our pet cremated and the ashes returned to us, or we can have our pet buried. You may want to hold a funeral or memorial for them possibly burying or scattering their ashes, favourite toy or collar. Again this is all perfectly normal and can help with the grieving process.
Some people may decide to isolate themselves away for a way to deal with their emotions alone. As long as this person knows that you are there for them when they are ready then you are helping them.

As time passes you may feel that you would like to celebrate your pets life and wish to celebrate the happy times that you shared. Mementos can be kept to help remember the happy times.
There are people and places available who offer help and support, you are not alone.

Creating a memory box for a pet can be a positive step in the healing process.

Us now

I wrote this article at the start of the global pandemic. Our old girl is still hanging on in there and remains here with us, but the occasional stumble appears to happen more frequently.

It feels at times as though we are living on borrowed time, but I am grateful that she is still enjoying a cuddle and a stroll around the park. My son and I will definitely create a memory box to hold her collar, lead and a few other items that will hep keep her memory alive.

​Much love to all x

Resources

There are many charitable organisations that can help, but please contact your GP if you feel you cannot cope.
 
https://www.bluecross.org.uk/pet-bereavement-and-pet-loss
https://www.supportline.org.uk/problems/pet-bereavement/
https://www.rspca.org.uk/adviceandwelfare/pets/bereavement

If you would like to create your own memory box for your pet, supplies can be found here;

../../../wordpress/product-category/create-your-own/index.html

I am not a professional in any manner, but have my own experiences & knowledge, just wishing to help others.

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Grief and Breath Work ../../../blog/grief-and-breath-work/index.html ../../../blog/grief-and-breath-work/index.html#respond Sat, 01 Jan 2022 06:10:17 +0000 https://memoriesbox.co.uk/?p=507 The understanding grief and breath work are so important. In any situation when one feels anxious as if they are…

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The understanding grief and breath work are so important.

In any situation when one feels anxious as if they are starting to panic and spiral into an anxious state, it is worth practicing breathing exercises. These can help both centre the mind and body.

Dirga pranayama or three part breathing taken from varying yoga practices is one of the most calming and grounding breathing exercises that you can do, helping to focus attention on the present moment and getting in tune with the sensations of your physical body. It is also one of the most simple techniques to learn that can be carried out anywhere at any time.

The act of mindful breathing and focusing on this helps to regulate the body and its intake of oxygen. By practicing this breathing technique it can be helpful, if we start to feel that wave of grief start to come over us to focus our mind on our breathing to calm that overwhelming feeling.

Mindfulness

Mindfulness is a word and practice becoming more commonly used in today’s society. A technique that has been used traditionally in the Ravadin Buddhist tradition is called Satipatthana
Sati meaning awareness and Patthana means keeping present.
There are four foundations to mindfulness. These (according to NyANAPONIKA, 1962) are body, feelings, mind states and mind objects

The intention is to perceive and pay attention to (in an objective manner), the arising and passing away of all conditions of mind and body.
Mindfulness of the body can help one become aware of their posture, sensations affecting the body and the breath, whereas mindfulness of the mind is about being aware of the state of the mind, such as angry, sad, guilty, or, but not exclusively, a distracted mind.

Mindfulness of mental objects relates to thoughts and how these thoughts can affect mental and physical reactions

Everyday mindfulness is the easiest and most practical place to start the act of it, from the moment of awakening, or at least after the first cup of tea, but before using any technology, sit and be in the present moment by using breathing techniques. If this can be continued throughout the day, little and often rather than for long set times, say when in the shower, brushing your teeth, queuing in a shop or waiting for something, use that time to practice mindfulness and ‘feel’ how you are sat, stood, what you can focus on that you can see or smell. It is all about bringing our senses back to the here and now rather than allowing our minds to wander away and in turn affect our body.

If practicing mindfulness is helping, it is a great staring block to then move onto meditation. Meditation recordings on a cd or via YouTube, many are available as the practice grows in popularity.
It takes constant practice for these techniques to become second nature and to be able to move ourselves into a state of mindfulness more easily.

Step-By-Step Instructions


Although this practice recommends lying down, breathing techniques can be practiced anywhere at any time in any position.
​The important thing is to focus the mind if grief starts to overwhelm

Step One

Step one
Lie down on your back with the eyes closed, relaxing your face and your body. You can keep the legs outstretched or bend your knees and bring the soles of your feet to the floor if that’s more comfortable. If you bend your knees, let them rest against each other.

Begin by observing the natural inhalation and exhalation of your breath without changing anything. If you find yourself distracted by the activity in your mind, try not to engage in the thoughts. Just notice them and then let them go, bringing your attention back to the inhales and the exhales.

Begin to inhale and exhale deeply through the nose.

On each inhale, fill the belly up with your breath. Expand the belly with air like a balloon.

On each exhale, expel all the air out from the belly through your nose. Draw your navel back towards your spine to make sure that the belly is empty of air.

Repeat this deep belly breathing for about five breaths.

Step Two

Step two
On the next inhale, fill the belly up with air. Then when the belly is full, draw in a little more breath and let that air expand into the rib cage causing the ribs to widen apart.

On the exhale, let the air go first from the rib cage, letting the ribs slide closer together, and then from the belly, drawing the navel back towards the spine.

Repeat this deep breathing into the belly and rib cage for about five breaths.

Step Three

Step three
On the next inhale, fill the belly and rib cage up with air. Then sip in just a little more air and let it fill the upper chest, all the way up to the collarbone, causing the area around the heart, expand and rise.

On the exhale, let the breath go first from the upper chest, allowing the heart center (yoga term) to sink back down, then from the rib cage, letting the ribs slide closer together. Finally, let the air go from the belly, drawing the navel back towards the spine.

Continue at your own pace, eventually coming to let the three steps of the breath happen smoothly without pausing.

Continue for about 10 breaths.

Remember not to force your lungs into overcapacity, they should feel comfortable, not like they are going to burst.Your breath should come in and out smoothly

I am not a doctor & have no qualifications, this advice is based purely on experience.
Please if you need help, contact a bereavement charity or speak to your GP.

Helen x

Many people find that keeping a gratitude journal allows them to remind themselves of happier and more positive times.

Memories Box recommends Wonderful Days Journal, click below for details;

../../../wordpress/product/wonderful-days-journal/index.html

Lena Henderson is a mindfulness & mindset mentor for children and parents, please take a look at her website, link below;

https://themindfulsteps.co.uk/

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Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and Grief ../../../blog/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-and-grief/index.html ../../../blog/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-and-grief/index.html#respond Tue, 21 Dec 2021 17:08:50 +0000 https://memoriesbox.co.uk/?p=459 PTSD and Grief Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and grief. It is becoming more widely accepted and understood that post-traumatic stress (PTSD)…

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PTSD and Grief

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and grief.


It is becoming more widely accepted and understood that post-traumatic stress (PTSD) can be triggered by grief, some experiences like the death of a loved one, including that of a pet can cause PTSD, especially if the death has been tragic or sudden.


PTSD has been recognised since the 1980’s to describe the symptoms of those exposed to a traumatic event. Figures reveal that one fifth of people who have suffered a traumatic event will go on to develop symptoms of PTSD and although symptoms usually begin early, within 3 months of the traumatic incident, they can sometimes begin years afterwards.

In order to be able to help and assist someone it has to be recognised as a PTSD case. Normally but not exclusively the sufferer will have been left grieving after a traumatic event or death and after a continuing period of more than two months the patient will still be experiencing great feelings related to grief.


There are recognisable symptoms that help with the diagnosis of PTSD


Intrusion Symptoms
The experience of intrusive memories is possible when someone is going about their normal daily lives but just cannot stop themselves thinking about the traumatic experience. This might just be fragments of it or replaying the whole memory.
Traumatic nightmares can also become a problem. These are the nightmares that usually feel very unpleasant, disturbing and real at the time. They may wake you suddenly, feeling startled and confused by where you actually are, with your heart racing, feeling very upset, although you may not always be able to remember your dream.


Flashbacks (Dissociative reactions) can occur when the traumatic experience was impossible to either escape or defend, also referred to as the fight or flight responses. With experiences like this our brain/body system automatically goes into shutdown (freeze) response which involves numbing or immobilisation. Flashbacks can become a common experience for people who have suffered this way and although the traumatic experience was in the past, it can feel as though it is happening all over again. Sometimes these flashbacks can be mistaken for an epileptic fit as they can cause black outs and the person experiencing it can lose temporary consciousness of their surroundings.


There can be uninvited reminders of the trauma that continue for to linger on for longer periods of time, these can trigger a range of emotions including anger, sadness, shame, guilt and more.


When people are reminded of their traumatic experience it can have a very real effect on the body and how it reacts. These can also go on for some time and may include sweating, breathing difficulties, palpitations, headaches and more.

Persistent avoidance
There are occasions when people may find that they cannot cope with re-experiencing any thoughts or feelings related to their experience at all. They may avoid talking about it or become jovial as a tactic to avoid any real and deeply disturbing emotions. They may try to detach themselves from the impact that the experience has had or they could be using distraction techniques to try and avoid or block intrusive thoughts.


It is understandable that many people will avoid places, situations and possibly people, objects and situations that remind them of their traumatic event. This is a coping response, but can lead to further problems of isolated and lonely lives.

Negative alterations in cognition and mood
It is possible that for many people their traumatic event can be so overwhelming that they dissociate themselves from it. The most unbearable aspects of the event are pushed to the far back of their mind so that they cannot be recalled so easily. It is important to work through this as those memories can still have a negative impact on the physical body.

Traumatic experiences can have an impact on how people feel about the world, other people and even themselves. They may be struggling to come to terms with their own actions or those of others. This need to be recognised that it has come from the trauma suffered and isn’t incorrectly diagnosed as depression. It is easy to blame oneself for the traumatic event that has occurred, this self-blame can be difficult to overcome.

Alterations in arousal and reactivity
People can find that they have problems with concentration, that their memory is impaired as their brain is
re-occupied by the traumatic event. They may find that they forget things, lose track of conversations or find it hard to concentrate on a film or book.


They may feel tense or on edge. The brain can be put into a state of high alert from the trauma experienced, that was possibly vital at the time to avoid more danger, but this can continue afterwards.
People can often find it hard to sleep, either struggling to fall asleep or waking frequently. Sleep deprivation can then lead to further issues with other emotions such as irritability and concentration.


They may experience angry outbursts. Peoples level of tolerance is much lower when their brain is under constant arousal as a consequence of trauma and they may find themselves more irritable or even aggressive that how they had been before their experience.

Treatments and Therapies
Antidepressants may help with controlling PTSD symptoms such as sadness, worry, anger and the feeling of numbness inside. Other medication may help with sleep problems and nightmares.
Psychotherapy (“talk” therapy) can also be helpful for some people or possibly a mixture of medication and therapy. It can depend on the person, and what treatment is recommended by the mental health provider.

References used;
The Cotswold Centre For Trauma Healing
www.cotswoldcentrefortraumahealing.co.uk
NIMH National Institute of Mental Health
www.nimh.nih.gov/
Cruse Bereavement Care
www.cruse.org.uk
Gulf Bend Centre
www.gulfbend.org
Sudden
www.suddendeath.org

If you are worried about a family member please seek help. There are many resources available not only the places mention above but also the following charity organisations, or your local GP.

https://www.childbereavementuk.org/
https://www.winstonswish.org/

If you wish to keep a gratitude journal, Memories Box recommends;

../../../wordpress/product/wonderful-days-journal/index.html

To create your own Memories Box

../../../wordpress/product-category/create-your-own/index.html

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Memories Box Featured in Micro Biz Mag ../../../blog/memories-box-featured-in-micro-biz-mag/index.html ../../../blog/memories-box-featured-in-micro-biz-mag/index.html#respond Thu, 07 Oct 2021 19:38:30 +0000 https://memoriesbox.co.uk/?p=775 Every now and then we come across a business or an idea so unique we all have an “aah” moment…

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Every now and then we come across a business or an idea so unique we all have an “aah” moment in the office.

by Sarah Smith, freelance copywriter.

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Guest Blog with Una Archer Help Your Child Thrive, how to start the conversation about life and loss with your little one. ../../../blog/guest-blog-with-una-archer-help-your-child-thrive-how-to-start-the-conversation-about-life-and-loss-with-your-child/index.html ../../../blog/guest-blog-with-una-archer-help-your-child-thrive-how-to-start-the-conversation-about-life-and-loss-with-your-child/index.html#respond Sat, 18 Sep 2021 19:24:30 +0000 https://memoriesbox.co.uk/?p=765 Una was kind enough to spend some time chatting to me about the best ways for parents and carers to…

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Una was kind enough to spend some time chatting to me about the best ways for parents and carers to start the conversation about life and loss with the children in their care.

Whether you choose to use a Memories Box or not, I hope that you find this video useful.

I hope that it helps and please reach out to myself or Una if you need further advice or support.

  • How and when do I start the conversation? – If you are here now watching this video and consider this conversation important, then start now. Allow a space for the conversation to be had and ask them how they feel. Take the child’s lead.
  • What if they refuse to interact? – Don’t panic, accept and try again another day, without pressure.
  • Should I leave them to complete the activity alone or do it with them? – This type of craft (the button memory tree) evolves over time, so parents involvement should be available as this is to help conversations between adult and child.
  • How much should I tell them about the preparation for or death itself? – It really depends on the child’s ability to understand and what they and the parent feel comfortable with. It is best if the parent knows how they feel themselves before discussing with your child.
  • What if I cry, should I not be the strong one? – Tears do not mean that a person is not strong, an adult is still the one who is there for the child.
  • How will I know if my child needs further support from professionals? – Pay attention to their changes in habits, altered sleep pattern, changes in behaviour or appetite. It is best to seek help and support early on as wellbeing and mental health of a child is so important.

Una Archer is passionate about supporting secure attachment in parent-child relationships.

She has dedicated her life and career to understand family dynamics.

With over 20 years of experience and qualifications that include ‘Circle of Security Parent facilitator training’ and ‘Brainspotting Therapy’ and being a mother herself she can offer such invaluable support.

Pop over to her site to book a free initial consultation

https://www.helpyourchildthrive.co.uk/

Thank you Una

With love to all

Helen x

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Memories Box Interview with Wycombe Sound Radio ../../../blog/memories-box-interview-with-wycombe-sound/index.html ../../../blog/memories-box-interview-with-wycombe-sound/index.html#respond Sat, 18 Sep 2021 16:51:47 +0000 https://memoriesbox.co.uk/?p=761 I was lucky enough to be invited on to Wycombe Sound radio show to be interviewed by Bob Johnson. Hope…

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I was lucky enough to be invited on to Wycombe Sound radio show to be interviewed by Bob Johnson.

Hope you enjoy listening

Helen x

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Guest Blog by Neil Campbell Professional Grief Counsellor, What is Bibliotherapy? ../../../blog/guest-blog-by-neil-campbell-professional-grief-counsellor-what-is-bibliotherapy/index.html ../../../blog/guest-blog-by-neil-campbell-professional-grief-counsellor-what-is-bibliotherapy/index.html#respond Thu, 09 Sep 2021 16:46:42 +0000 https://memoriesbox.co.uk/?p=711 Neil Campbell (The Summerhouse, Anambron & The Campbell Grief Institute)  I’m in my 28th year as a professional counsellor, and,…

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Neil Campbell

(The Summerhouse, Anambron & The Campbell Grief Institute)

  •  I’m in my 28th year as a professional counsellor, and, for 23 of those years, I’ve specialized in grief counselling. As well as bereaved adults, I work with bereaved children through two of our specialist Grief Counselling services – The Summerhouse (bereaved children & young people generally) and Anambron (grief counselling specifically for bereavement by suicide).
  •  After many years of working with bereaved children and young people, I can say one thing with certainty – bereaved children DO GRIEVE, and they can do so as fully and as intensely as bereaved adults. But, they grieve in ways and timescales that can differ significantly from adults. Their grief is age-related and, as such, they don’t always understand the feelings & emotions they are experiencing – struggling not only to understand them, but also to express them and have adults validate them.
  •  Consequently, one of the best ways we can support bereaved children and young people is to help them find their own “Metaphor for Grief” – help them to find the most appropriate and age-related medium through which each can understand and express his or her grief. These Mediums or “Metaphors” can be found within the approach known as Non-Directive Play Therapy; and these can include, for example:

Memory Jars                  Feelings & Emotions Jars       Memory Boxes

Art & Drawing               Clay & Plasticine                     Sand Trays

Feeling Buttons             Teddy Bear Making                Poetry

Grief Journals                Headstone Exercise                Grief Balloons

Compassion Stones      Scrapbooks                            Photo Albums

Worry Dolls                   Anxiety Angels                       Puppets

AND

Bibliotherapy

For me, there are three strong ground rules with regard to using the above mediums with bereaved children and young people.

  • The first is to have available as many of these mediums as possible for the bereaved child or young person to explore and, then, choose from – for what works for one, may not appeal to another.
  • The second is to ensure that the choice of the medium remains with the bereaved child or young person. We can explain to them how each medium works, we can show them how to engage with it and how it might be of help. But, the choice of medium or activity must remain freely with them; for it has to appeal to them, it has to interest and intrigue them.
  • The third and, perhaps, the most important ground rule is to remember what our role is when the bereaved child or young person is engaging with the medium activity with us. It is one of “Respectful Accompaniment” – NOT leading, instructing or directing! During the activity, we are their “Accompanier” and “Compassionate Companion”.

And this leads into the medium I seem to end up engaging with the most and one I’m incredibly passionate about:

BIBLIOTHERAPY

What is Bibliotherapy and How is it Used?

Well, Bibliotherapy is the use of fictional books – with stories that contain, at their heart, the themes of death, dying, loss and grief – in order to help bereaved children and young people start to (a) understand their feelings, emotions and reactions after the death of a close loved one, and (b) to explore how they can express their own grief.

How it’s used will often depend on the age of the child or young person,

  •  For young children, they can read the book on their own, with you in respectful support – ready to explain, comment, agree or react at their request.
  •  You can read the book together, or you can read it to them. Whatever they want!
  •  They may want to talk about the book after they’ve finished reading it, and you can offer to do that with them.
  •  But, sometimes, they might not want to do so – just reading the book on their own may be enough – and that, too, has to be respected.

Some schools and organisations offer support groups for bereaved children, and bibliotherapy can play an important part in the group’s activities. The books can then be used as a group reader (obviously, several copies of each book will be needed).

  •  The facilitator can read the book to the whole group, the children could read the book in pairs or mini-groups, or the children could be allowed to read the book on their own. The offering of time and space to talk about the book later can be made.
  •  For older children and young people, more often than not they will take the book away to read in their own time. You can then offer to discuss the book with them when they’ve finished it and try to answer any questions if they want you to.
  •  Some will and, following their lead, you can then talk about what they felt about the book – while answering any questions with respect and honesty.

What Do You Mean by Non-Directive?

I’ve touched on this earlier, Helen. But, to expand, “Non-Directive” means that the medium or activity, the bereaved child engages with, should be freely chosen by the child from as wide a range of options as possible. The supporting adult can demonstrate and explain each option within the range of mediums and, even, gently recommend, but the choice should still ultimately lie with the bereaved child or young person – and they will choose whatever looks intriguing and appeals to them personally.

If we apply this to Bibliotherapy, it’s about having as wide & as diverse a collection of books (with death, dying, loss, the cycle of life, grief, remembering and reminiscing as their main themes) as possible, and then accompanying the child or young person as they browse through what’s on offer. A reading list here would help both children and parents greatly – with simple story summaries, simple issue classifications and age-related guidance.

With reference to Bibliotherapy, the bereaved child or young person should then be allowed to approach and read the book in their way (as I explained earlier), their pace and their time. They need to be allowed to extract from the story whatever is relevant to his or her feelings, emotions and situations …….. AND their responses need to be allowed to be made without any analysis, questioning or assessment from the supporting adults.    

Do You Feel that Children Should Reach a Certain Age Before Reading or Being Read to About Grief?

Many of the excellent young children’s fictional books on grief appear to cover and embrace the 4–8-year-old range. While a 4-year-old may not understand about the finality of death and its wider impact within the family, they will certainly know a loved one is missing and will be affected by the adults’ reactions to the loss. Reading about a situation similar to theirs, or having that story read to them, can be very helpful.

Moreover, children’s books have such wonderful illustrations to accompany the story, that there is much to be gained by children being able to follow the story visually. With the parent or supporting adult reading the story and the children listening to the words and following the story’s illustrations in front of them – it can be a wonderfully rich, collaborative experience for both.  

What Are the Benefits of Using Bibliotherapy?

When a child or young person reads a fictional book, that wonderful commodity – “Imagination” – is called forth! As they read, they will often identify with the lead characters, sharing in their activities and challenges, their excitement and their fears; experiencing the same highs and lows, and sensing all of the feelings and emotions that those characters are going through, forging a bond with those characters and vicariously sharing their dilemmas and problems.

  • It can help children and young people understand their own feelings and emotions more.
  • It can help them to become more aware and sensitive to others’ feelings and emotions.
  • It can prompt them into reflecting on their own situations and, perhaps, adopting some of the coping strategies they’ve learned from the book.
  • It can help them understand more about the concepts of death and dying, and provide them with more information on those issues.
  • It can help them understand about the different attitudes and views that adults and children will hold.
  • For younger children, it can help them to understand the cycle of life more, and the importance of the two Rs – Remembering and Reminiscing.

Is a Parent Able to Use Bibliotherapy with Their Child or Should They Seek Professional Help?

Absolutely – to the first part of this question! Parents, grandparents, aunts & uncles, teachers, teaching assistants, librarians – they can ALL be Bibliotherapists!

But, I would hope that they would pass the following criteria:

  •  Be passionate about books and reading.
  •  Be passionate about and appreciate children’s fictional books.
  •  Have some understanding about how children approach and read fiction.
  •  Have a reasonable grasp of children’s age-related views on death and dying.
  •  Are prepared to access the latest information on topic-related books.
  •  Are capable of assessing a children’s fictional book for its suitability

With regard to the last criteria point, when a Bibliotherapist is checking a children’s fictional book around Grief for its suitability, they should make sure:

  • It’s a good, easy read.
  •  The story-line is clear, age-related and with distinct settings.
  •  It’s written with good, descriptive language.
  •  It has short chunks of narrative with lots of dialogue.
  •  A small group of lead characters (to avoid confusing the reader).
  •  Clear and honest example of the impact death and dying has had.
  •  That issues around death, dying and grief are handled honestly, but sensitively.
  •  Realistic example of characters’ coping strategies.

Obviously, the above assessment guidelines will have to alter a little when considering fictional books on Grief for teenagers. For example:- perhaps, longer chunks of narrative, avoidance of overly happy family scenarios, more examples of the differences within the family between adults and young people in the aftermath of a loved one’s death, fears for the future, etc.

How Many Books on Grief Should Children Have Available to Read?

My immediate answer to this, Helen, is as many as possible. However, if it’s a family situation, I realise there will be a cost factor. I’ve picked up quite a number of these books (for our library resource) second-hand from Better World Books, Amazon and eBay; and nearly all of them have been in pretty good condition. Three or four good, age-relevant and well-written books with themes of death, dying and grief within the story. If it’s a good book, then children will return to that book again and again.

With regard to schools, grief organisations, support groups, parent groups and professional counselling & support services, I would suggest that they try to purchase as many as possible. The more you have, the better the collection to choose from. Moreover, it would be helpful to gather as wide a range as possible. Some of the books available specifically cover different types of deaths and the loss of different members of the family. The bigger the collection, the more scenarios you are likely to cover.

 For example:

For Younger Children

  •  Patrice Karst’s wonderful “The Invisible Leash” covers the loss of a pet.
  •  Wendie Old’s “Stacy Had a Little Sister” covers the death of a baby sibling.
  •  Louise Moir’s “Rafi’s Red Racing Car” and Emmi Smid’s “Luna’s Red Hat” are designed to help with bereavement by suicide.
  •  Charlotte Moundlie’s “The Scar” is around the death of a young boy’s mother.
  •  While the excellent “Gentle Willow” by Joyce Mills has children’s terminal illness as its central theme.

For Teenagers

  •  Judy Blume’s brilliant “Tiger Eyes” is about a teenage girl in the aftermath of her dad’s violent death.
  •  Lois Lowry’s “A Summer to Die” tells the story of a teenage girl’s turmoil over her sister’s terminal illness and, then, death.
  •  Katherine Paterson’s legendary “Bridge to Terabithia” deals with the death of a best friend.
  •  Clare Furniss’ “The Year of The Rat” tells the story of a teenage girl’s grief in the aftermath of her mother’s death while giving birth to a baby sister.
  •  Sarah Dessen’s  “The Truth About Forever” tells the story of a teenage girl’s grief over the death of her father and the alienation of her mother.

These are just some of the many good story books out there that deal with the grief of children & young people in a host of diverse types of death, grief situations and the different relationships with adults in their lives.

What Will Help Me to Choose the Correct Book?

This is quite difficult, Helen. Sometimes, it might be as simple as keying in the words “children’s fiction on grief” and searching online. Often, this will produce entries for Top Ten, Top Twenty or Top Fifty Lists on the subject, and then it’s a question of wading your way through the entries until one or two catch your eye or interest. The problem is that the entries don’t always come with a good-enough summary or critique.

I’m hoping that, as the interest in Bibliotherapy grows, more organisations and services will start to adopt it as a resource. Hopefully, they can then provide any interested parent or family with a good Bibliotherapy Reading List – with appropriate classifications, critiques, synopses and recommendations.

My own website is currently under construction (my website designer and his family have all recently contracted Covid, so there’s a bit of a delay in the upgrade). But, from the 1st November this year, I will be devoting a page on my website for Bibliotherapy, and it will include a comprehensive Bibliotherapy Reading List that visitors can browse through.

Equally, I’m more than happy for anyone who wants a book recommendation, or some help with choosing the most appropriate and relevant books, to contact me at neil@paradigmcampbell.co.uk and I shall do my best to help.

Are There Books Available for Different Religions?

This is not a question I can really answer at the moment, simply because I don’t know. It’s an area I’m not familiar with, BUT one I intend to explore and learn over the next year or so. Equally, if anyone had recommendations for such books, I would be delighted to hear from you. I hope there are and, if so, I shall acquire and, hopefully, come back to you, Helen, in the near future for Bibliotherapy Blog Part 2.  


Thank you to Neil Campbell for writing this blog for Memories Box and answering some of the questions that many people ask.

The easiest way to contact Neil is on the email above neil@paradigmcampbell.co.uk

or you can call him on 07958 739505

The post Guest Blog by Neil Campbell Professional Grief Counsellor, What is Bibliotherapy? appeared first on Memories Box.

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